While in Salisbury, my group took a tour of the tower. 300 and some odd steps to the top of the Cathedral. Finally reaching the final platform that allowed us to look out onto the town, I was hurt by some words. Winding staircases, 300 and some odd steps to the top, and it took one sentence to ruin the adventure. Words that reminded me of deep feelings and insecurities. Words can hurt. Words do hurt.
After going out the first small door onto a balcony to look out the tower, our tour guide directed us back in and pointed to another door. Walking toward the next balcony, the tour guide looks at me and says, "You've had one too many full English breakfasts. You're too big to fit on this balcony." The tears could immediately be felt. That deep stinging feeling at the back of the eyes. I had to look away. I had to walk away. One sentence with the words "too many" and "full" put me over the edge. My feelings were hurt.
The tour guide told other members of my group they could not go onto the balcony. These were guys. And he didn't look them up and down before saying anything. Nor did he mention eating habits to them. It is funny how the smallest of actions or words can hurt someone. I should know this by now. I do it more often than I realize. Not only does it make you feel insecure because your personal dignity is wounded, it hurts because those words are said with such little consideration. Such little thought. Even when you think you're doing the right thing or being cautious, words can hurt. The tour guide probably thought he was being cautious because he knew I couldn't go onto the balcony because the tower had leaned over the years, making it impossible for some to fit on the narrow lookout.
His words still hurt. I found myself obsessing about my weight the rest of the trip. Using my bag to cover parts I do not like in pictures. Sucking it in. Not liking myself because of one sentence. One thought. One cautious remark that carried more weight than my tour guide could ever realize. I find myself obsessing still. At this very moment. And regretting. I am regretting my words, sentences, and thoughts that have hurt others.
Someone in particular of recent days. Words of caution and concern still hurt. And for that, I am sorry.
Words can hurt. My words can hurt.
BEAT
2 comments:
Here's what I think is funny...I was going to comment that in some of your other posts/pictures you looked like you'd lost weight!
F**K him! Yes, a preachers wife just said that!
I'm trying. And thanks.
He was an old man who was about half my height. I think he was intimidated.
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