Is that new?

After a long, hard winter, there was a moment when I remembered how to smile. (Genuinely smile.) It was the first time I made a joke. (A self reflective joke.) I call this progress.

Someone offering a sincere compliment posed the question, "Is that new?" That's all it took. The words just came out. Well, actually there were no words at first. Laughter. Bubbling up laughter from the pit of my stomach. Muscles in my abdomen that had not been used for two months and counting. There it was. Laughter. And my answer, "Why yes, yes it is. Everything is new--head to toe. Even the underwear. (Wink)"

The day went forth, continued. Five more people asked the same question: "Is that new?" Each time? Each and every time I smiled, gave a hearty laugh and offered the same carefree answer.

You see, it's true. From head to toe it is new. Except the glasses and those few pairs of shoes that were salvageable. I wish I had that same response with that same spirit each time someone inquires or compliments. More often than not, I just offer a quite "yes." Don't get me wrong. At least I appear put together enough for people to ask and occasionally offer a compliment. For that I am grateful.

The truth, if I may? I miss my things. Please (for all that is good and holy in the world) don't tell me they are just things. I know this. I do. But they were my things. And I really liked my things because they offered me comfort, security, and stability. Yes, even those green peep-toe sandals I pull out around easter.

I miss what was. And for once, new things are not always better. My old things...my gone things...my no-more-mine things were part of my identity. They reflected my personality...my being...me. They are gone. If you haven't clued in yet, I am not just talking about clothes.

I am left with new things. New things that were bought in a rush and without a clear mind. (Imagining the silver and gold cardigan that is still yet to be worn. But hey, I got it for $8?) New things that are black and gray and navy...not green and blue and purple. Yes, I am starting to replenish my wardrobe with some brighter hues of Spring. Most days though, I am drawn to the blacks and grays.

Friends, if you are still out there, I miss...my clothes, my purses, my books, my couch, my jewelry, my memories. I miss what was...and find myself trying to understand what is. What is...well, it does not offer the same comfort and security I once knew. That is why I am not there yet. That is why I am not the happy, hopeful, and joyful person you may remember. The trauma and despair have changed me. Probably forever.

Each day I get out of bed. (Still the hardest decision I make each day.) I put on what is new. I go forth into my day missing what was, knowing newness surrounds me...and live. Sad, anticipating hope, despairing, and yet even experiencing a few moments of carefree laughter are who I am now.

Is that new? Yep. And I hate it.

BEAT

*For those reading and unclear about the details surrounding the above post, I experienced an apartment fire on January 20. It started in my bedroom, where I woke up to it spreading to my bed. I was able to get out of the apartment with very little physical injury. The fire and smoke damage did destroy most of my belongings. Since then there have been other personal and professional tragedies. When people ask how I am, I give three answers. "I'm hanging in there." "I got out of bed this morning." And "I'm in process." This post is about the process, hanging in there, and getting out of bed.

Photo Sorta Friday

I don't want to be a downer. It is just where I am.

Home. Let me come home. Home is wherever I'm with you.

Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.

I wish it were so. I wish I knew where to call home.

Soon. But not soon enough.

BEAT

ps: Thanks to Joy In Me for sharing.

Photo Friday

I debated for weeks whether to share the below picture. In my mind it is graphic. I am sorry if it upsets any readers. This is a therapeutic moment for me. I am confronting the realty of what was and what is. Everyday continues a quest for hope. Within the ashes...may there be hope? And a coming peace that I cannot imagine? If I was praying these days, that would be my prayer. A prayer for hope and peace...

What Was My Home

Nashville, TN

January 2o, 2010

God's hope. God's peace.

BEAT

Like Mother, Like Daughter

And this my friends, summarizes the weekend.

Isn't she cute?

BEAT

Convincing?

The family is coming for a visit. The big game is this weekend! Go Dawgs! Beat Vandy!

Let's clarify. The whole family. All three of my immediate family members are descending upon Nashville. This has not happened since Thanksgiving 2007.

I made reservations for a nice restaurant and sent the info to the Mom. My birthday is coming soon. Real soon. And I like to take advantage of those who have more money than myself. Not just more money, but I like to share good food with those I love. And did I mention my birthday is coming up? Of course I am going to pick a yummy place for the annual "Birthday Dinner."

In response to my email, the Mom sent the below picture to express her joy and elation. She

really, truly thought this picture would get me excited. This is her convincing evidence?

Dearest Mommy, you need to work harder.

I am scared and nervous now. I am so very

glad I just got a new bottle of Excedrin Migraine.

All my love, Your Favorite Daughter

ps: I am excited. This picture gave me a slight moment of pause. Bring on the fun, food, and family.

pps: I will update y'all once they leave. Promise.

Real and Presentable

The REAL Us:

The PRESENTABLE Us:

What a weekend. What a good weekend. What a good, good weekend.

BEAT

Photo Friday: Bestie Edition, Part 2

BEAT and Megs of Red Cottage Life

Nashville, TN

October 2007

Megs is here for her annual visit! And this one is going to be the best...and last...in Nashville.

Here's to laughing, eating, and watching Lifetime.

BEAT

Tell Me About Your People

Who? These people?

I've got this person, too.

And let's not forget about these folks.

I kinda like these people, too.

I got lots of people.

I have some new duties this year at my internship. I will be making pastoral visits and calls. This mostly involves older adults and the homebound. Yesterday I visited three different assisted and nursing care living centers. I even gave a homily at a communion service. Is it strange that I feel more...comfortable? Energetic? Joyous? When I am with the older folks. Not because they are old(er), but because they get it. Life is for living. And for sharing. Smiling. Laughing. Honesty. They tell it like it is. I appreciate that. I really, really do.

My last visit was with one feisty lady. Walking in her apartment, I thought I was meeting the Godmother. She was sitting at the end of the room, surrounded by photos and plants. She was sitting high in her chair. She waved me over. Told me to sit. (And I did.) I was with another minister, but the Godmother focused on me. Looking me up and down through her good eye, we carried on a casual conversation. About 15 minutes into the visit the Godmother abruptly says, "Tell me about your people." My response, "My family?" The Godmother huffs and says, "Yes. Your family. What is your background? Their trade?"

My people? My background? Their trade? The Godmother is a unique blend of Southern Belle and elitist socialite. I loved it. I love her. After answering her questions, she looked me up and down again through the good eye. She declared, "I'm going to pray for you."

That's my job. I'm the one supposed to pray. I'm the one supposed to listen. It was a nice turn of events. I got to talk about my people. People I love and adore. And I was blessed with a sincere prayer.

I've got good people.

BEAT

Photo Friday

The Dad, BEAT, and the Mom

Nashville, TN

October 2007

UGA beat Vandy! Go dawgs! And the parents made me hold up a hometown newspaper. This picture was later featured in said hometown newspaper. I have proud, supportive parents. This picture fully captures the personalities and essence of the parents. Do you see where I get the grumpy? Can you sense the joy for life? The nose? The height? The matching color scheme? I have inherited so much from both of them.

How cute are my parents? Lovely. Lucky. And blessed. I can't get over it.

Go dawgs! Beat Vandy.

BEAT

ps: UGA doesn't play Vandy for a couple weeks. I am just preparing.

Music of the Moment: Day Two

Will Hoge

"Even If It Breaks Your Heart"

New favorite. There is this AMAZING radio station in Nashville, Lightning 100. And as the slogan says, "Not Country, Not Corporate." It's true. No country (praise God!). It features many local acts. L100 keeps me up to date on good new music. Check out the "Recently Played" list to see what I'm talking about.

I can hear him playing...saying...even if it breaks your heart...

BEAT

Signs of a Child

Delightful. Precious. Even when a plant might have...maybe...got turned over.

What a good visit. Blessed. And lucky.

BEAT

The Calister

Perfection! And joy! Lots of love! Oh the love! And did I mention the joy. Amazing.

What a good day.

BEAT

Julie and Julia

Some get excited about action movies. Good for you. Some like comedies. Why not? Others can't wait for those Oscar nominated dramas. Me? A movie about food. I get overly excited about a movie that focuses on cooking, learning to cook, becoming a better cook, and eating that which has been cooked.

I'm going with friends to see Julie and Julia this weekend. Can't wait. I love movies that required actors to gain weight. It makes the viewing experience more real...and fair.

Let's eat,

BEAT

House Warming Gift

My parents gave me a "door security bar" as my house warming gift two years ago. Let's be honest (mom and dad stop reading and pick up a sentence or two down), I used it the first few weeks. I did. Then I got out of habit. No longer part of my nightly routine. A situation recently happened that made me feel not so safe in my own space. Don't freak out. No one broke in. There was not a murder. I had a hostile confrontation with a maintenance worker in my apartment. We'll just say he thinks it is wrong for women to be pastors, speak in church, or even work outside the home. The "conversation" included some other fine exchanges about the bible and tree huggers.

Uneasy. That has been my mood the last few days.

I reported the actions and behavior of the man. I found out later that my complaint resulted in him being terminated from his job. Once again, I'll be honest. This made me feel guilty. This economy sucks, and now I've caused another person to be a statistic. I know, I know. His own words and deeds caused his unemployment, but I can't help feeling (a little) responsible.

Still uneasy.

I will get past the thoughts and memories on replay of him in my home (my private space) talking down to me and gesturing aggressively. I will. So, I am thankful for the kick-in bar. Provides a little extra measure of safety as I...get back to normal?

Thanks mom and dad for one awesome house warming gift. If you have friends that live alone, I highly recommend it. Only $35. And it provides some peace of mind.

Uneasy, but on the mend. Promise.

BEAT

ps: This post has inspired a new label, "crazy people." I'm meeting more and more these days.

Photo Friday: Parthenon Edition

Centennial Park

Plus Fake Parthenon

Nashville, TN

Summer 2009

The last three weeks have allowed me to enjoy the fake Parthenon of Centennial Park in downtown Nashville. FREE big band music and dance lessons-check (twice). $2 snow cones-why not (twice). Picnic-food is a must (twice). Absolutely amazing weather-we call that luck (thrice). Friends-blessed beyond believe (always).

Come visit and we will hang out in the park...

BEAT

ps: You thought I meant the real Parthenon? Didn't you? Yeah, I'm not that cool. Hey, this one is to scale.

Loveless

My bestest buddy and I went to the Loveless Cafe last night. This is a famous restaurant in Nashville that has been featured on the Food Network and the Travel Channel. The Biscuit Lady did loose to Bobby Flay on Throwdown. I would disagree. The Loveless has the most amazing biscuits. And the jellies and jams to accompany them are to die for. I think the peach preserves would be my favorite. You know, because I am from Georgia and all.

I had fried catfish, fried okra, and cucumber and onion salad. Something light and airy for summer. The bestest went for the yellow sides plate-hashbrown casserole, creamed corn, mac & cheese...and then changed it up with some green beans.

So, so good. I need to make the Loveless a bigger priority in my life. If you want to come visit, we can make the Loveless a priority together.

got biscuits?

BEAT

Visitors

My bestest buddy from A-town is coming to visit. Tomorrow. Meaning really soon. We've both been kinda busy the last six months. Damn school, degrees, and jobs. They interfere too often when it comes to having fun. Hopefully we will get some pool time. I've missed the sun. I've missed my buddy more.

And then, heaven help me, my kindred spirits are visiting later in the week. These are my UNC kids. God, it has been SO long. They are all grown up now. Getting real jobs and fancy degrees. Can we say Yale? Both of them. Please enjoy the pictures of our crazy friendship. I'm sure their visit will include laughs, making fun of K, and being silly. We are good at it.

Here's to having friends that drive long distances to visit me. I'm the lucky one.

BEAT

Soundtrack: The A Side

I was recently inspired by a former professor's editorial in the LaGrange Daily News. He called his article, "10 Great Songs: My Life on Shuffle." I have more than 10 songs. Hundreds if I thought it out (even more). If you've read more than 5 or so post on this blog then you know music is important to me. It gives me a reference point. When I don't have the words, I can find a song that does. I have no musical gifts. None. Well, other than appreciation. So, this is the A side. The ones that come to mind immediately. I will publish the B Side one day.

And just so you know, I love albums more than a singular songs. So for every song listed below, I am really recommending the whole damn album. In most cases the artist has a story to tell and that album allows you to encounter, learn, and know the big picture. And just so you know, these are not ranked. They may (kinda sorta) go in chronological order of life lessons. These songs are landmarks. Some famous, some not.

1. Alanis Morissette: "You Learn", Jagged Little Pill (Can we say middle school? Along with my love for Mariah Carey and No Doubt. You can't go wrong with lyrics like, "I recommend walking around naked in your living room.")
2. The Wallflowers: "One Headlight," Bringing Down the Horse (Buy the whole CD! Please! So wonderful. This was the down days of late middle school and early high school. "Three Marlenas" and "Laughing Out Loud" are winners, too. This song allowed me to hide in my room and still have a friend.)
3. Joan Osborne: "One of Us," Relish (I've never been one from Christian music. This is my religious anthem. I did sing this magical tune for my sixth grade solo and got a superior. My voice changed after that moment. I never did another solo, so it holds a special place in my heart.)
4. Burlap to Cashmere: "Good Man," Anybody Out There? (I lied. There is this one Christianish band I l-o-v-e. They are no longer together. This band and this song best characterize the beloved days with my youth group. These were my best friends, and I didn't even go to school with them.)
5. Sister Hazel: "Happy," ...Somewhere More Familiar (My absolute favorite band is Sister Hazel. Each album has been the background music for the last ten years. This song, well, is perfect. It's catchy. It's fun. It's message is true. "Who's content? and who's for rent?" It all makes sense when you think of clicks and insider/outsider fears of school.)
6. Pat Green: "Three Days," Three Days (I still play this song when I am about an hour from my parents' house. I usually only have have three days. And Mr. Green could be my favorite country artist.)
7. Hanson: "Crazy Beautiful," Underneath (Junior year of college was the best. Other than coming into my own skin, I rediscovered Hanson. No judging. This song is best when the windows are down, volume up, and my favorite roommate and I running away from stress with frosties and french fries.)
8. Gladys Knight and The Pips: Midnight Train to Georgia (On a hellish trip to L.A. that involved being stranded in Dallas overnight and a whole bunch of u-turns, this song was played every few hours. My group took it as an omen. We needed to get the hell out of Cali and back to the homeland. Since leaving the G-A, this song has had a special place in my heart.)
9. Ben Folds: "Best Imitation of Myself," Ben Folds Live (Getting ready to graduate and wondering about the next chapter. I knew this song would be my graduation anthem when I first heard the line about losing my Southern accent. Then I went directly to CH, where I was learning to be me.)
10. Indigo Girls: "Nashville," Rites of Passage (Pretty self explanatory. I played this over and over the first two months I moved. I still play this song before every big exam. The album title kinda describes the purpose and plan of being in Nashville, too. And you can't go wrong with the Indigo Girls. Right?)
11. Coldplay: "Swallowed in the Sea," X & Y (I just love this song. "And I could write a song a hundred miles long. Well that's where I belong." It reminds me of my friends and family, especially when we are hundreds of miles apart. Though away, we are so close. And there is always the hope of being reunited.)
12. Dixie Chicks: "Lullaby," The Long Way (If and when I get married, this will make the perfect first dance song. For now, it is what I listen to when I can't sleep. That is more often than I wish these days, but I am okay when I have this song in my life. The ladies of DC consistently provide me with the therapy I need.)
13. Glen and Marketa: "Falling Slowly," Once Soundtrack (This is the most perfect movie soundtrack ever. Not mentioning the movie. If I could describe the emotion of love in words, I am pretty sure I would use the lyrics of this song. Dramatic, I know. The raw emotion is even evident in the honest singing. It draws you in. And Lord knows we need more love in this world. Something about the mixture of forgiveness, time, and hope makes the message of love so clear. And it is not about lasting love. Just love in all forms.)
14. Alison Krauss: "Down to the River to Pray," O Brother, Where Art Thou? (Right now, it is all about prayer. Life is in transition, meaning I am in discernment. It brings comfort. And comfort is something I'm in short supply of at the moment.
15. Joe Purdy: "Sad Clown," You Can Tell Georgia (I'm still trying to figure out why I love this song so much. And not just love it, but why it applies to my life. It does. I just know it will be with me the rest of my days. Enjoy. Just enjoy the incredible voice of Mr. Purdy. Oh yeah, if I had to recommend one album you must buy at this very moment, this is it. It is that good.)

So, I would love for you to share. What makes up your soundtrack? What plays in the background of your brain as you go through each day? What song or artist makes life bearable?

On repeat,

BEAT

Music of the Moment: I'm a Redneck, Y'all

Or I live in the Country Music Capital of the...world. It is probably both. I mean, I am from Georgia. My (childhood) house is surrounded by chicken houses and cow pastures.

Redneck? Right? Right. Bless me and my roots.

Every radio station (because I'm old school, I still LOVE listening to the radio) in the current city in which I reside plays country music. Umm, who knew the guy from Hootie and the Blowfish sings country? Because he does. I do not lie. But I really enjoy his catchy, catchy tunes. Can't help it. And the below song is on every 5 minutes. And I'm okay with that.

And there is this other band that I love. Check them out, the Zac Brown Band! How can you go wrong with a song called Chicken Fried? I mean really. But I am in a sappy mood, so enjoy What Ever It Is. Lovely. Cute. Sweet. I do enjoy a good dose of Southern charm. Like I said, I'm from Georgia.

So here is my music of the moment. Add them to your collection.

I've got whatever it is. (But I'm still trying to figure out what it is.)

BEAT

Photo Friday: Garden in the Urban Community

Catholic Worker Movement: 

Nashville Greenlands

May 2009

This gentlemen, who uses his small lot to have a year around garden, has been cited many times by the city for having too much growth. Too high. Too wild. 

Yet it is sustaining. He cans. He freezes. He uses the land-every inch-to provide. 

Call him crazy. Call him cool. Most of all, call him resourceful. 

Green upon green,

BEAT